explaining my feelings.

How the hell do yo explain the mess that’s happening in your head?? Will people understand? Of course they won’t. If I can’t understand my own feelings, how do I expect others to? I wish being happy wasn’t something I had to strive for, why is happiness not the default? My life is in no way horrible right now but I just can’t seem to be genuinely happy. Yeah I laugh and crack jokes here and there but on the inside I’m completely shattered. I’m in pain most of the time and lord I’m sick of it. I force myself to go out and enjoy things with friends but all I want to do is lay in my bed, and when I tell people that I’m 100% certain they call me lazy behind my back. But again, how do you just tell someone that “hey the reason I couldn’t go last night was because I suffer from this thing called crippling depression”. And the shitty thing is if I do bluntly admit that to someone they’ll still think I’m lazy! Society hates depressed people because they can’t figure us out. Trust me we can’t figure us out either.