Who am I?
I’m constantly faced with this never-ending question,
I’m tired.
I’m tired of second guessing
I’m tired of feeling incompetent
I’m tired of knowing no other emotion than sadness
Who am I?
Who am I if not a daughter
Who am I if not a sister
Who am I if not a friend
Who am I without people?
Do I even exist?
Another night of shallow breathes and sobs
Who am I?
Who am I without crippling fear?
Who am I without insecurity?
Who am I without self-hatred?
Do I even exist?
i give and give little bits of me
but eventually there wont be enough
i feel hollow
i give so much of myself to those that I love
but rarely do I get it in return
even if my world is crashing down ill hold theirs up
i am a pillar that holds so many people
but the pillar is weak
the pillar is fragile
the pillar is cracked
but the pillar is still standing
maybe thats an excuse to keep piling up on, the pillar
maybe they believe the pillar will always remain
i, the pillar, am hollow
i am weak
i am fragile
i am cracked
but I am still standing
for how long?
to my future children;
you’re beautiful
you’re so beautiful
i will work hard everyday so that you know how beautiful you are
from the moment you entered this earth you were enough
to me, you will always be good enough
to me, your beautiful soul and ethereal spirit is enough
i will work hard everyday so that you never cry yourself to sleep
i want you to know that my love for you has existed way before you were even a thought
i will work hard everyday so that your heart never aches because of me
there will never be a day I don’t think you’re absolutely beautiful
to my beautiful future children;
you’re already enough.
A message to people who do not have depression;
We don’t need you to understand what we’re going through, we just need you to simply acknowledge it.
Acknowledge that there is a struggle
Acknowledge that we do suffer
Acknowledge that we can be happy and have depression
But most of all, acknowledge that our pain is valid.
I believe the thing I struggle with the most on a regular basis is longing. I long to be better, I long to not feel like my world is crashing down on me. Every morning I wake up feeling emptier than I did the previous day.
I’m so numb.
but then i’m not
But then I’m numb again.
I’ve come to realize that my life is a rollercoaster of being numb for long periods of time then feeling everything all at once.
Numb.
But where does the longing fit in?
After the numbness subsides, the longing attacks.
I long to be happy
I long to value myself
I long to go far away.
My heart yearns to be anywhere but here.
but i’m stuck
I’m struggling.
I’m not well.
But, who cares?
How the hell do yo explain the mess that’s happening in your head?? Will people understand? Of course they won’t. If I can’t understand my own feelings, how do I expect others to? I wish being happy wasn’t something I had to strive for, why is happiness not the default? My life is in no way horrible right now but I just can’t seem to be genuinely happy. Yeah I laugh and crack jokes here and there but on the inside I’m completely shattered. I’m in pain most of the time and lord I’m sick of it. I force myself to go out and enjoy things with friends but all I want to do is lay in my bed, and when I tell people that I’m 100% certain they call me lazy behind my back. But again, how do you just tell someone that “hey the reason I couldn’t go last night was because I suffer from this thing called crippling depression”. And the shitty thing is if I do bluntly admit that to someone they’ll still think I’m lazy! Society hates depressed people because they can’t figure us out. Trust me we can’t figure us out either.
I’m at a point where my mental health has not only caused me to develop emotional numbness, but I will have bursts of feelings here and there that are extremely painful. I’m sick of living like this. I want to go to the gym and read books like I used to and enjoy going to lectures again, but the past month I’ve wanted to do nothing but cry and stare at the wall. I’m so broken I want to cry but I literally can’t.
I’m so broken.
From Mariam, With Love 